Situationship vs Friends With Benefits: The Actual Difference
Both are undefined and both involve sex. The difference is what you each want from it, and that difference decides which one hurts.
The short version: friends with benefits is an arrangement. A situationship is an unanswered question.
Both involve sex without a label. Both can go on for months. From the outside they look identical, which is why people use the words interchangeably. They are not the same thing, and confusing them is how people end up hurt.
The difference in one line each
Friends with benefits: you both know what this is, and neither of you wants more. The lack of a label is the point.
Situationship: you are behaving like a couple without being one, and at least one of you is unclear, unhappy, or waiting. The lack of a label is the problem.
Side by side
| Friends with benefits | Situationship | |
|---|---|---|
| Was it discussed? | Yes, usually at the start | Rarely, or once and vaguely |
| Do you both want the same thing? | Yes, neither wants a relationship | Often not, and often unspoken |
| Emotional intimacy | Deliberately limited | Present, sometimes considerable |
| Do you do couple things? | Mostly not, it is largely sex | Yes: meals, trips, his friends, staying over |
| How you speak about it | “We’re friends who sleep together” | “It’s complicated” |
| Does either of you hope it changes? | No | Usually one of you does |
| How it ends | Someone meets somebody, and it stops | One person asks the question, and it breaks |
The rows that matter are the first and the last. Friends with benefits was agreed. A situationship was drifted into.
How to tell which one you are in
The test is not how much sex you are having. It is how you feel when you imagine it continuing exactly like this for another six months.
If the answer is fine (you would carry on, and you would be equally fine if it stopped) you are in something that resembles friends with benefits, and it is probably working.
If the answer is a sinking feeling, you are in a situationship, whatever you have been calling it. That sinking feeling is the information.
A second test: who have you told? People in genuine FWB arrangements tend to describe it accurately to friends. People in situationships explain it, at length, with caveats.
Why situationships hurt more
Friends with benefits has a ceiling and both people know where it is. Disappointment is bounded.
A situationship has no ceiling and no floor. You are receiving most of the behaviour of a relationship (the attention, the weekends, the sense of being someone’s person) without the commitment that would make it safe to rely on. So you keep adjusting your expectations downward to match what you are getting, and each adjustment costs something.
The particular cruelty is that situationships are usually pleasant. Nobody is being mistreated. There is no incident to point at. Which makes it very hard to justify leaving, including to yourself.
What each one turns into
Friends with benefits usually ends cleanly, because both people always understood the terms. A minority turn into relationships, generally when both people change their minds at roughly the same time.
Situationships end one of three ways: someone asks the question and gets a no; someone asks and gets a yes, and it becomes a relationship; or nobody asks and it dissolves over about four months of decreasing contact.
The third is the most common and the worst, because it teaches you that asking is dangerous, which makes the next one likelier.
If you want to change which one you are in
There is really only one move, and it is to say what you want in plain language.
Not “what are we?” That asks him to define it, and a man who has been avoiding the question will keep avoiding it. Say the thing: I want a relationship. I want to know if that’s something you want with me.
Then listen to the answer, including the non-answer. “I’m not really thinking about labels right now” is an answer. So is “let’s just see where it goes” six months in. A man who wants a relationship with you will not need it dragged out of him.
If you are heading toward genuine FWB instead, the same honesty applies in reverse, and it is worth agreeing the ground rules rather than assuming them.
Frequently asked questions
Is a situationship just a slow relationship? Sometimes, early on. After about three months of couple-like behaviour with no conversation about what it is, it is not slow. It is undefined, and undefined tends to stay undefined until someone makes it otherwise.
Can friends with benefits turn into a relationship? It happens, but it is the exception. The arrangement exists because at least one person did not want a relationship, and that usually remains true. Entering one hoping it converts is entering a situationship with better branding.
Which is worse? Neither is bad in itself. What hurts is wanting one and being in the other, which is far more common in situationships, because nobody stated the terms.
How long should I let a situationship go on? Long enough to know whether you want more, which for most people is one to three months. Past that you are not gathering information, you are avoiding a conversation.
How do I know if he is stringing me along? Watch whether anything changes over time. A relationship heading somewhere gets more defined: you meet people, plans get made further out, he refers to you as something. One that is going nowhere looks the same in month six as it did in month two.
Should I just ask him? Yes, and state what you want rather than asking him to define it. You will get a clearer answer, and you will get it faster.
