How to Bring Up Sex Toys With Your Partner Without It Getting Awkward

How to raise the idea of using sex toys together, what to do if your partner feels threatened, and how to choose something you'll both actually enjoy.

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The conversation is almost always less difficult than the anticipation of it. But the anticipation is real, and the reason is specific: bringing up toys can feel like delivering a verdict on your partner’s performance.

That framing is what makes it awkward, and it’s avoidable.

Why the timing matters more than the wording

Don’t raise it in bed. Not before, not during, not immediately after.

In that context, anything you say gets heard as feedback on what’s just happened or about to happen. The same sentence delivered over dinner is a conversation about curiosity. Delivered mid-intimacy, it’s a review.

Choose a neutral, unhurried moment when you’re both relaxed and nothing else is at stake. Walking somewhere works well — side by side, no eye contact required, easy to let a pause sit.

Lead with addition, not deficiency

The core message: this is something extra, not something missing.

Compare these:

“I don’t usually finish, so I think we should try a toy.”

“I’ve been curious about trying a toy together. I think it could be fun.”

Both may be true. The first invites defensiveness, because it opens with a problem and offers the toy as a remedy. The second opens with curiosity and leaves room to explore.

If there is something missing, that’s a real conversation worth having — but it’s a separate one. Bundling them means the toy conversation gets contaminated by the harder discussion, and neither goes well.

Some framings that tend to land:

“I read something about this and got curious — would you be up for looking at it together?”

“I think it’d be fun to try something new. No pressure either way.”

“Can I show you something I’ve been wondering about?”

The shared word across all of them is together.

If your partner reacts badly

The most common reaction, particularly from male partners, is some version of am I not enough?

It’s worth understanding rather than dismissing. A lot of cultural messaging ties male worth to being sexually sufficient without assistance, and a vibrator can land straight into that. The reaction usually isn’t about the object.

What helps:

• Name it directly. “This isn’t about you not being enough. I’d want to try this regardless.”
• Make it mutual. Toys used on someone feel different from toys used by both of you. Shifting from “I want to use this” to “I want us to try this” changes the whole frame.
• Let them set the pace. Someone who feels rushed digs in. Someone who has time usually comes around.
• Drop it if you need to. “No worries, it was just an idea” costs you nothing and keeps the door open. Pressing costs you the possibility entirely.

What doesn’t help: statistics about how many women need clitoral stimulation. It’s true, it’s relevant, and in the moment it sounds like evidence being marshalled against them.

Choosing something together

Shopping together does most of the emotional work for you. It converts the toy from a thing one person wants into a joint decision, and it means neither of you is surprised by what arrives.

Start smaller than you think. A first purchase that’s discreet and non-intimidating gets used. Something large or elaborate often sits unopened. Our beginner’s buying guide covers what actually suits a first purchase.

Consider what includes both of you. Couples’ toys — designs worn during sex, or app-controlled toys one partner operates — are structurally shared rather than one person’s. That framing helps a lot when someone’s feeling excluded.

Agree the ground rules first. Who controls it. What the signal is to stop or change. Whether it’s part of sex or something separate. Five minutes of this prevents most of the awkwardness that would otherwise arrive mid-moment.

The first time

Expect it to be a bit clumsy. New things usually are. Treating the first attempt as an experiment rather than a performance takes the weight off.

Don’t make it the centrepiece. Introducing a toy as an addition to what you already do together works better than restructuring an entire encounter around it.

Use plenty of lubricant. It genuinely improves nearly everything, and with silicone toys you need a compatible one — see our lubricant guide.

Talk afterwards, briefly. Not a formal review. Just “did you like that?” while you’re both still relaxed. It’s the easiest moment to be honest, and it makes the second attempt better.

If you’re the partner being asked

If someone has raised this with you and you’re uncertain, a few things worth knowing.

It’s very unlikely to be a complaint. People who want to leave don’t propose new things to try together. Curiosity is usually just curiosity.

You’re allowed to say no, and you’re allowed to say “not yet.” Neither makes you unreasonable. What’s worth avoiding is a flat refusal without any conversation, because that closes something your partner took a risk to open.

Being asked is a form of trust. It’s a vulnerable thing to raise. However you respond, responding kindly matters more than responding enthusiastically.

Frequently asked questions

What if my partner agrees but never wants to actually use it? Reluctance after agreement usually means the original discomfort wasn’t resolved. Revisit gently and outside the bedroom — something is unaddressed rather than uninterested.

Should I buy one first and surprise them? Generally no. Surprises remove their choice, and for something this personal that tends to backfire. Browsing together is the better version of the same instinct.

Is it normal to feel embarrassed? Yes, and it usually fades quickly once the conversation is actually happening. The anticipation is nearly always worse than the event.

What if we like very different things? Common, and workable. Most couples end up with a small collection rather than one shared item. Different preferences aren’t incompatibility.

The short version

Raise it outside the bedroom, frame it as something extra rather than something missing, choose it together, and let your partner set the pace. If it lands badly, don’t push — the conversation stays available.

Most of the awkwardness lives in the anticipation. The actual conversation is usually short.